I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
