I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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