I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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