tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
