I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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