I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
