I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
