do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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