dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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