dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
