your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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