I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
