i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
this beer tastes like vomit already
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
