i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
