FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize