I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm too high and old for this...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
