I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
