I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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