omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
