my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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