You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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