I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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