he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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