I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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