she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
