dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
