i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Randomize
