i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
