she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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