My sheets look like a crime scene.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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