This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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