Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
