she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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