Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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