Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
