things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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