Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
