Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
