I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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