Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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