Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
After last night, I could never be a politician.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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