i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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