I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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