My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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