he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
