umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
