My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
