I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize