i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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