I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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