if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
