just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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