Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
