3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
