She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
