my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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