This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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